HELLO 2014! Well again, im really bad at this whole tumblr thing. but since im on the computer paying bills i figured i would post something. i dont really have any real resolutions. i guess what i really want this year to be is successful.
-get into grad school
-start cooking more
-straighten out my life
seems like a pretty simple list. something i should be doing anyway.
Wow so I can’t believe it’s November already. Where has the time gone? It is ridiculous.
I have so many life decisions I need to make. Ugh and they are all coming way too fast. I need to do some soul searching. I am not sure if this is what I really want to do. I just feel like I got placed in a world where talent took me somewhere but not passion leading my successes. Know what I mean? I don’t. Well the decision of grad school is coming up. I have really learned and started to love it here. Even maybe more then I love living in Hawaii. Which is so strange, I mean, who passes up on Hawaii? But I really can see myself living here. All good friends and company and so many things to do. I don’t want to leave but then again is said the same thing before I left for college, “I don’t want to leave.” I have a month to decide. What do I do. The real world is coming and it scares me.
maybe this is all about karma. i have no idea what it was, but this just turned into the worst possible situation ever. seriously why do all good things have to come to a end in the worst possible ways ever. it never feels good. and why do i have to find this out now. right before the biggest weekend in my college career. who knows maybe its a sign. i have no idea. all i know is my emotions are taking over and i think my heart is in shreds. i try so very hard to make it, whatever it may be, and yet i always get torn to shreds. i guess its just a challenge. one day this will all pay off and this will all turn around i will end up in a situation so perfect i cant even think of it. in the meanwhile. ill just suck it up as much as possible. im trying to be a big boy…
Man sometimes oboe is just so stressful. I think the only reason why I question if I even want to do this is because of my situation right now and the way things are going. I don’t know if I’m happy with how things are run here. I don’t ever really have a say in anything, and the only way I get to have a go at things are, well basically behind people’s back. I got a call back from the Air Force band for an audition which now I don’t even know if I’ll be “allowed” to take. If it wasn’t for me sending in the tape on my own… I wouldn’t even know if I would get a call or not. Now that my junior recital is coming up… Which I had no say in what I wanted to play it’s starting to sink in that I have 3 semesters left and I have yet to partake in something that was completely my decision or me wanting to do. That just kind of bums me out. I know it’s all for the greater good and I should listen to the people who know best. But it’s college, I only get to do this once, and doing it in the footsteps of somebody else leaves me to believe that I’m not an individual. Hmm. Kinda deep… Oh well. Maybe I’ll just have to rough out the rest of the way and really lay out my options after that. I don’t even know what I am going to do at this point, or better yet, who I want to be. I haven’t had the chance to step out of these perimeters and see for myself what is out there and what other options there are. I thought I would always enjoy playing the oboe. Sometimes, I have to wonder.